god replied me.

ever since then,

we are taking things light and easy.

both happy with the way it is.

i knew i just cant stop loving him.

i knew it was all testing my patience.

i knew we can make things through.

because it was real since the first day i met him.

just not yet...

its been long since i mentioned him again,

or shall i just say,

its been long since i last blogged? :S

its gonna be 1 year 4 month, on the 16th of January 2011.

just had a very awful argument with him 1 hour ago.

i have been trying so hard to compromise.

its just...never enough.

i'm tired and lost,

but i still do want to try.

talked to him about it,

but things can never change he said,

and he will not change.

so now it makes me feel more shit hole and lost with direction!

i couldnt sleep that is i why i came to start blogging in the first place.

i do not know what to do.

i do not know what is the best for both of us right now.

we were so happy for the pass months.

and now everything screwed up.

if we pretend that nothing happened and tomorrow days go by as usual again.

it will only come back down to this situation sooner or later.

we have been pretending its not tearing us apart,

but no,

its just fame that we are getting and lies that we are pretending that does not tear us apart.

how?

i'm confused.

i'm lost.

i'm sad.

i love him so much that i cant let him go.

deep down in my heart,

i thought he is the one.

the one that i am looking for.

but things is not what i thought it would be.

i really dont want to let him go.

i love him too much and i am too selfish and stubborn to hold on to it.

please god, just once more.help me with it and i will assure u he is the one.

i have got ready the perfect gift for his bday,

and i want to last till then,

only to decide again what to do.

yes. maybe i am always a blind bitch when it comes to love.

but i put my heart and soul with full efforts and that i just cant see it wash away right now. sighs.

its already 3 and how i wish for a lucky star right now :(

fucking pissed u fucking idiot!

wont u fucking understand!

can u stop asking damn it.

failed once again.

never gonna make u happy?
never be good enough for u?
never to not talk back to u?
never to care ur feelings?
never showed my respect to u?

i'm so sorry!
but i clearly love u so much and i will try to be better.
i promise you my words.

i will change for the sake of making you happy.
i will not be the bitch that u swears at all the time.
i will be a better person for u to love k.
and of course,
i will love you more and more.

i gave u my words! and i mean it, i seriously do.

things are pretty much better now. *sigh relief* hope it stays long, till it strike him again. been happy these days, that's cuz we don't talk about it and i think he just try not to bring it up anymore. i seriously love him so much. not gonna do anymore stupid shits to get us into anymore mess.

MUHAMAD ARIFF BIN ABU BAKAR I BLOODY LOVE U!

cried to sleep afraid that the next morning everything would not be the same. but it is happening right in front of my eyes now. don't know what to do. i'm lost. he's ignoring me. i can't do anything. i'm helpless. i can only wish for a better tomorrow and hoping that he'll forgive me.

i've put in so much effort and i do not want to give up everything and lose everything. there was time, love, appreciation, care that i put into. i seriously do not want to lose everything. love him so fucking much. it's all good deed that he's thoughtful enough that we always argue. he can't stand me anymore. i'm questioning myself. am i seriously that bad?? am i seriously that idiotic to hurt him??

he's the one that treats me the best so far. and i'm the one that always been hurting so far. compare with all the old idiots. i really feel bad and tears just roll thinking about it and what happened. it's almost gonna be a year now, and i am hoping for more and longer. just wished i could turn back time to erase things that i've done to hurt him so badly. i'll never forgive myself for doing so.

he was everything to me. he was the only one that could control me and love me more than anyone could. but i've just disappointed him more than anyone could do to hurt him. i'm not the best girlfriend that i could be to him. i'm worst than an animal. really hate myself for doing so.

ps.wish for a better tomorrow.i don't want to cry no more.